Losing Grip: The Sequel

Earlier in the day, I wrote out my feelings in Losing Grip.

It’s short. I highly recommend you stop and read it first.

 

I ended it by saying, And I don’t want to fight anymore.

I realize how this may have left many of you really unsure as to my intentions. And while I thought about explaining it, I decided to leave it ambiguous.

 

And why did I do that?

First off, I wanted people to really grapple with the first possibility, with the darkness that I’ve been experiencing. And how I was tired of fighting. And how part of me wants to give up.

Because that’s real.

I was sinking down the rabbit hole, and it felt like I was losing my grip on being in this world.

And while I did say that, I didn’t mean to only imply that I was losing my grip–and upset about it.

I was also subtly sharing that I believe losing my grip is the answer.

 

Losing my grip–

not as something that was about to be taken from me,

but as a fortuitous event that was happening for me.

 

I work hard to hold onto my reality, dammit.

And, so, it’s not something I’m very willing to give up. Therefore, I think, sometimes the big U. has to jump in and cause me to lose control to see something greater than my very limited thinking and awareness.

Or, perhaps I should say, the illusion of control.

 

Because what are we really in control over? Yes, we can take actions with predictable outcomes. But that’s not the same as absolute control.

We have influence–but absolute control we have not.

Perhaps, this is another vestige that is being unloaded from me so that I can “level up,” as it were.

 

It doesn’t make it any easier, though.

I’m struggling with my I.

 

Our egos don’t want to give up control. When we are losing control–or our illusion thereof–it feels like we’re literally dying to our egos.

 

So, I’ll free-fall, indeed, as my good friend Ryan said to me today.

Enjoy the free-fall, Alex.

Knowing you, you have wings, he shared with me.

 

And I don’t want to fight anymore. I now see some comfort to be had in that.

Maybe I don’t have to fight.

Maybe there is another way.

 

Maybe losing grip, even reluctantly,

surrendering to what wants to happen,

is the only way to get anyplace

worth getting to.

 

 

Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it,

listen for what it intends to do with you.

~Parker Palmer

 

 

www.alexobed.com