Published by admin on December 31, 2016

The New Sexy: Upgraded (2017)


Here’s The New Sexy: Upgraded.

(If you’re coming from my old site please scroll down to where it says, new.)

Until recently, when a woman over 40 checked out my dating profile, the first thought that automatically popped up in my head was too old–and then I quickly moved on to the next profile.

I would literally think, Why is she checking me out?

We’re not even in the same generation.

I shared this with my friend, Heather, who’s in her 30’s. She said: You ARE over 40, Alex. Why do you date younger women, but not women your own age?

But they’re not my own age, I said under my breath. They’re old–and I’m not.

Based on our conversation, and just for kicks, I decided to up the age range of my dating search to 45. Lo and behold, it was like entering a secret vortex of hotness:

Women over 40.

These women were confident. They were bold. And they were liberated.

1) Confident: They have some major life experience under their hoods. Many have already been through a divorce. They no longer need a man to fill some void in their life. They know what they want, and they’re not afraid to go get it!

They are also comfortable in their own skin. They don’t do the whole bullshit routine that unmarried women do in their 20’s and 30’s. They’re no longer trying to be the woman that will attract the man.

2) BoldMany women in their 20’s/30’s allow men to constantly trample their boundaries. You will NOT see a woman over 40 do that very often.

Also, both groups of women deal with anger, but in very different ways. Women in their 20’s/30’s usually try the grin and bear it approach, hoping their guy gets the subtle hints and psychic messages that are being sent in his general direction.

But as time goes by and their needs remain unmet, the resentment builds and builds until–BOOM–they over-react, often passive-aggressively. Let’s just call this the indirect approach; it works about as well as you might think.

Women over 40, by contrast, use the direct approach. When something doesn’t work for them, they lay down the law and set clear boundaries for the future. But here’s the real beauty: after they’ve spoken their peace, they’re done. The slate has been wiped clean.

No future backlashes.

No re-hashing it a week (or several) later.

No drama. Just… communication.

3) Liberated: Since most women over 40 have previously been married and are now single, they’ve usually had an experience of taking charge of their lives by ending a bad relationship.

That’s huge. It’s so easy to stay comfortable even when, admittedly, we’re not very happy. Why? Because ending a relationship involves a major upheaval of our lives: moving out, figuring out what to do with children, splitting up finances, etc.


It takes a lot of courage to leave a bad relationship–

even more so, a mediocre one.

And there is no greater joy than leaving a cage that one has lived in for too long.

Once a woman–or anyone, for that matter–has gotten out of their cage, the last thing they want to do is get stuck in another. And they have zero desire to put someone else in a cage. Their liberation is liberating. 

She no longer feels the need to follow societal norms about sex, love or dating. She does what she feels is right, and what works for her.

How liberating! And isn’t someone who is liberated–almost by definition–super-sexy?

Have you ever met someone who was so self-expressed and full of life that even though they weren’t your type–not even a little bit– you still saw them as sexy?

It happens to me all the time! Especially black women with lots of curves. Society wants to tell them they’re overweight, but they’re not having any of it!

No matter their shape or size, they believe they’re ridiculously sexy. And though they might not be my type, I love seeing such boldness.

One of my favorite questions to ask a woman on a first date is:

would you do yourself?

Partly, just because I like the shock value. But it’s also incredibly telling. Does she squirm? Does she hesitate? Does she smile? Does she say, duh? Does she–my personal favorite–bite her lip?

It tells me about her self-esteem. And I am only looking to be with someone who really loves herself.

The truth is that the only person whose opinion actually matters on the issue of sexiness is our own. And that’s a beautiful thing!

We get to tell the world whether or not we’re sexy,

and not the other way around.

The new sexy isn’t about age or even looks; it’s about attitude.

Owning all of who you are, instead of trying to be someone you think other people will want. When we cultivate that, the right people will take notice.

So, here’s to being ridiculously sexy in 2017.

Here’s to rocking YOU.

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