When You Smile at the Abyss

You’re 41.

Or maybe you’re 31. or 61. or… who cares.

I’m 41.

And even though I’ve never been in a majorly significant relationship until this last one,

and even though I’ve never been ruled by relationship-ending fears:

if I break up with her, will I find anyone better?

if I break up with her, will I find anyone PERIOD?

…I did have some fear-based “stuff” come up.

Was this my last good chance to settle down with someone amazing?

I mean,

let’s be honest, Alex~

you’re not getting any prettier.

Your goods are as good as they’re gonna look

ever.

right.

NOW!!!!!!

I’m sure I’m not the only one to face these fears.

I’d say it’s natural.

We are all budding/blooming flowers,

full of aromatic beauty.

Until one glorious day when…

our hair starts falling out.

our skin isn’t as elastic as it used to be.

our smile shows our wrinkles.

Whatever.

So, here I am with this beautiful woman who adores me,

wants to create a life together with a family and all of that good stuff,

and I got to ask myself:

am I making a mistake?

Now obviously there is a backdrop to the story.

Most people don’t wake up one morning in a wonderfully fulfilling relationship and start to think about breaking up with their partner.

So, obviously, things hadn’t been totally peachy between us for quite some time.

Things weren’t flowing. It was hard.

Often.

I remember her once saying to me,

when you love someone,

you work to keep the love alive.

You DON’T. GIVE UP. ON LOVEEEEEEE.

Pretty sound logic, no?

It’s a real conundrum.

I love you.

You love me.

We aren’t very happy.

Alas, I was a newbie to love.

Part of me thought: well, shoot, if you love someone, that means that you are going to be with them forever.

I mean… isn’t that what people who are “in love” just do?

But there was another voice in my head that had a different angle on the situation:

WHY THE HELL IS LOVE SO DIFFICULT?!!?

(and)

DOES IT HAVE TO BE????

That voice started to gain momentum.

I started to doubt the “just-dig-your-heels-in-and-make-love-work” mentality.

I was on a see-saw.

One day it was up and everything was great.

The next day it was down, and it was hell.

Then up.

Then back down.

It was so hard to see straight. I had lost perspective. I was like a ship traveling the waters near the rocky coastline–without a spotlight.

I couldn’t see ahead of me very clearly.

(Achtung, Baby.)

I was just going on the *feeling* of love.

I LOVE this other person.

Shouldn’t that be enough?

But then I woke up!

And I had a new choice:

leave.

I smiled at the abyss when I chose to end the relationship.

Maybe because I had **allowed myself** to be beaten down in the relationship, enduring stress and frustration for way too long. So much that, when the moment finally arrived, it was the ONLY CHOICE.

I believe that we often DON’T break up with people because we harbor competing thoughts & feelings.

We are conflicted internally, and the FEELING of love takes over.

and over and over and over.

But what I learned is that you CAN love someone and

choose NOT to be in a committed relationship with that person.

I don’t know of a more COURAGEOUS act than breaking up with someone you love.

Especially when you know you’re jumping into the abyss.

the not knowing.

But you know what’s awesome?

The Universe has your back.

All-ways.

When you choose what’s in alignment with your BEST & HIGHEST, everything works out.

Eventually.

When you are COURAGEOUS, you cause a stir in the waters of other people’s hearts.

People react to courage.

People react to authenticity.

People are attracted to amazing transformation.

THE UNIVERSE (and YOU are included in the YOUNIVERSE)

supports COURAGEOUS ACTS.

My FAITH

(not religion, mind you, but Faith)

had me be able to smile at the Abyss

because you either believe in a Universe that is uncaring…

or you believe in one that is caring.

Responsive.

Loving.

Creative.

And YOU get to CHOOSE.

(In fact, we’re choosing all the time. But most of us don’t realize the *that*–and the *what*–which we are choosing.)

Put another way:

we “BELIEVE.” we just DON’T ACT on what we believe.

Now, how crazy is THAT??!!

So… which kind of reality do you believe in?

Maybe the better question would be:

which kind of reality do you ACT in?

If you do believe in the latter,

which I know most of you do,

then there really is no doubt.

There is only ACTING on what you already KNOW to be true…

(and here’s the key)

DESPITE all the thoughts and fears in your head.

The fears include concerns over *how* it will all turn out.

We want guarantees.

We want to know that we’ll find this other amazing partner down another yellow-brick road.

YEAH, NO.

You don’t get that absolute certainty.

Unless… you have absolute faith.

(But that’s very very difficult and not the discussion of today.)

Anyways.

You may have to make some major life changes.

Old structures of comfort, safety and security may have to be completely DEMOLISHED

to make room for new structures and neural pathways.

New ways of being.

A. NEW. YOU.

And, yes, that’s scary.

The unknown, that is.

But, again, I call you towards what you already know and believe on a very deep level:

that your happiness matters.

your life matters.

you matter.

So…

why not choose YOU?

First.

And see what happens.

I believe

that when you do

the Abyss.

will smile.

back.