Until recently, when a woman over 40 checked out my dating profile, the first thought that popped up in my head was “too old”–and then I quickly moved on.
I would literally think, “Why is she checking me out? We’re not even in the same generation.”
I shared this revelation with my friend, Heather, who’s in her 30’s, and she challenged me: “You ARE over 40 Alex. Your age range is from 26-41. Why do you date younger women, but not women your own age?”
But they’re not my own age, I muttered to myself. They’re old–and I’m not.
Based on our conversation, and just for kicks, I changed the upper age range for my dating search to 45. Lo and behold! It was like entering a secret vortex of hotness:
Women over 40.
These women were confident! They were bold! They were liberated! And they were HOT!
The’ve had some life experience. Usually, they’ve already been through a marriage, parenthood and probably a divorce.
They no longer need a man to fill some void in their life; they know what they want, and they’re not afraid to go after it! They are also comfortable in their own skin. They don’t do the whole bullshit routine that unmarried women do in their 20’s and 30’s.
They’re no longer trying to be the woman that will attract the man. They know their value, and they own their beauty, which radiates from the inside-out.
Many women in their 20’s/30’s allow men to transgress their boundaries–constantly–without sticking up for themselves. You will NOT see a woman over 40 make this mistake very often.
Both groups handle this kind of thing in different ways. Women in their 20’s/30’s will most likely grin and bear it, hoping their guy understands the subtle hints and psychic messages that are being sent in his general direction (feel free to laugh now).
But as time goes on and their needs remain unmet, the resentment builds until they over-react, often about something completely unrelated, and then blame their partner for it. Let’s just call this the indirect approach.
Women over 40, by contrast, use the direct approach. When something doesn’t feel right, they lay down the law, setting clear boundaries for the future.
But here’s the beautiful thing: after they’ve spoken their peace, they’re done. The slate is wiped clean, and everything is hunky-dory again.
No future backlashes.
No re-hashing it a week (or several) later.
It’s really over.
Most women who are over 40 and dating have usually taken charge of their lives by ending a bad relationship. (Yes, women end most marriages.)
This isn’t easy. Most people just want to stay comfortable; even when they’re not very happy.
Because ending our relationship often involves a major life upheaval: moving out, figuring out what to do with children, splitting up finances, etc.
It takes tremendous courage to do so, and I give major props to anyone who has left a crappy marriage or relationship. There is no greater joy than the feeling of liberation after having lived in a cage for too long.
The irony is, that for most of us, we’re holding the key to our own cage! Once a woman–or anyone, for that matter–has gotten out of their cage, the last thing they plan to do is get stuck in another one.
They also have no desire to put someone else in a cage, either.
Their liberation is liberating.
For this reason, you can say pretty much whatever you’d like to a woman over 40. She may not agree, but she’ll give you the space to be you. And isn’t that what we’re all looking for, anyway? Someone with whom we can be ourselves.
I could have gone with sexy, but… who are we kidding? Most women prefer to be called hot over sexy–as long as she knows that you value all of her attributes (and not just her physical ones).
When a woman has taken good care of herself throughout her 20’s and 30’s (physically, mentally and emotionally), and she’s confident, bold and liberated, there’s a good chance that she is going to be hot.
Furthermore, she no longer feels the need to follow societal norms about sex, love or dating. Without the need to strategize to catch a man, she does what feels right, and what works for her. How liberating!
And isn’t someone who is liberated super-sexy? I mean, even if you’re not physically attracted to that person, they can still be SUPER-SEXY!
I’m not sure where all this is going to lead, but isn’t that part of the fun? The not-knowing. The discovery. The possibilities.
Regardless of what happens, I do know one thing:
I’m going to keep dating women over 40.
Hungry for more?