Out of Control? Blame Entropy!

I am out of control.

There you go.

I said it.

The first words are always the hardest.

Aren’t they?

I mean, when you KNOW you have to tell someone something, whether you’re in a relationship or just dating, and you absolutely DON’T WANT TO TELL THEM what you need to tell them.

Crappola!

ARGHHHH!!!!!!

So, you make little agreements with yourself:

I’ll tell them after our trip.

I’ll tell them after their birthday.

I’ll tell them after… 

And after often doesn’t come until our hand is forced. We wait until fate dictates the outcome.

And then it’s way worse–way messier.

That’s how it comes to pass that people cheat in relationships. They are not willing to be courageous. We create an after to postpone doing what we know that we should do: tell our truth.

And, sometimes, as is the case right now with me, the person whom we have to be honest with…

is our self.

I am out of control.

It’s like I’ve been possessed by some kind of lust-daemon.

I know what you’re thinking. Alex… we know.

But you don’t know. 

It’s WAY WORSE than it’s ever been! I’m like 13 again. My hormones have been hijacked by some kind of nanotechnology–nano-robots that have been implanted in me (Matrix-like) with one and only one directive: to get me laid.

I’ve tried most of my usual past vices, and even they have been unsuccessful.

I even tried (gasp!) a Craigslist ad.

(Yes, you’re now getting a taste of the epic proportion of my decline into out-of-control-ness.)

WTF is wrong with me???!

At this moment, I feel pretty sated. Not because I’ve gotten my carnal needs met (that hasn’t happened in quite awhile), but because I’ve exhausted myself trying (and finally gotten some real sleep!).

Anyways, the first step is always OUTING OURSELVES.

The first step in regaining control over our lives–and ourselves–is to be honest with ourselves:

Where am I out of control in my life?

It’s the first and best way to get an upper hand on turning the tables on our addictions.

Now, to be clear, if you met me in “real life” none of this would be very apparent. It’s kind of like how many alcoholics can function at seemingly high levels while simultaneously hiding destructive behaviors.

I’ve been thinking a good bit about the concept of entropy lately.

Entropy: a gradual decline into disorder.

Our bodies, our entire UNIVERSE is devolving.

Our bodies are headed towards decay. You can work out all you want, but the end point is inevitable: your body will one day collapse and cease functioning. (For all of the yoginis, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news.)

The Universe is slowly dissipating. Astrophysicists say that one day, long after we’re gone (in physical form, at least), the Universe’s lights will go out. Our star, the Sun, as well as the rest of the stars in the Universe, will burn out.

The Universe will go dark.

ENTROPY IS REAL!

CHAOS AND DISORDER IS WHERE WE ARE HEADED.

And, yet…

we human beings have this interesting habit of defying the law of entropy.

We fight it.

Make no mistake, we will lose the War of entropy–and yet we fight nonetheless!

We can create order amongst the chaos of our lives; amongst the disorder, we can build structures that slow down our fall into the abyss.

If we’re being honest with ourselves, we don’t deny that our eventual demise is forthcoming.

We accept it–and we simultaneously fight it.

It reminds me of the last scene from the movie, The Grey, when Liam Neeson’s character is going to die, as he lands in a pack of wolves.

But he does something interesting and quite unexpected:

He fights.

He fights, even though the outcome (i.e., his death) is certain.

I think we human beings are the same. Yeah, the lights are going out on all of us, but we have this stretch of time when the lights are on and our bodies DO function.

What do we do with our time?

And how does this relate to being out of control?

Let’s see if I can pull something meaningful together from the chaos that is this blog post.

Left to my own devices, my life definitely reflects the idea of entropy.

My room gets messy.

My dishes don’t get put away.

My exercise routine goes by the wayside.

I sleep in.

Then, my carnal desires seem to get control over me.

But it’s funny. And maybe you all have experienced this, too. Once I hit the shower–which can be seen as an act leading towards order–my whole mentality begins to change.

It’s that initial act of doing something–ANYTHING–to defy the natural “decline into disorder” that starts to turn the tide.

So, the obvious answer is this:

When I feel like my life is starting to spin out of control, get up and take an action to defy entropy!

Do anything!

Clean my room. Go for a walk. Get offline.

Bring order to my personal chaos.

Ask myself, “What part of my life am I avoiding right now?”

In these situations, I am usually postponing something that needs to be done. Putting it off lacks integrity. And that has an effect on many levels.

It’s a daily struggle, but it’s one in which we can experience a lot of small victories.

I think the key is to keep fighting; to do that one more action when we don’t feel like doing it.

Perhaps, just realizing that we’re fighting entropy is a good first step; to realize that if you’re feeling like shit that it’s not your fault! It’s just that we’re operating within a set of laws that turn towards chaos and disorder.

BLAME IT ALL ON ENTROPY!!!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhh.

Now, we can breathe and smile.

We can realize that it’s not us!

 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

IT’S ALL–LITERALLY–QUITE NATURAL!

 

I’ll leave you with the poem which Liam’s character repeats over and over throughout the movie. Even when things look bad, we still have choice; we can still rage!

 

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

~Dylan Thomas

RAGE, RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT!!!