Damned by the Truth
That feeling of frustration.
Being single, yet having a LOT of desires.
For physical affection.
How does one deal with all these desires?
Fwb. Fuck buddies. D2F. Hookups. Casual dating. Casual sex. Porn. Chat rooms.
I’ve tried most of the above. They all work, but the remedy is short-lived; the carnal desire always seems to come back–and with a vengeance.
It’s interesting because these feelings hardly came up during my last relationship. Love was enough. I was at peace.
Now, not so much.
But the old path towards fulfillment isn’t so… fulfilling.
And that leaves a big ol’ fat question: what now?
For me, in these moments, the answer is usually a combination of being alone, spending time outdoors and writing. I’m left feeling a greater sense of peace. But if I’m being honest, I only take that approach about 5% of the time.
The other 95% is spent groveling for affection.
But I’m embarking on a new strategy now: honesty.
I tell women–upfront–that I’m focused on my career and am not available for a full-on relationship. Instead, I’m looking for chemistry and connection.
Ok, I don’t always use those exact words, but you get the gist.
Perhaps, I am lying to myself. Perhaps, that’s just a clever ploy to get my needs met by any means necessary. As a guy, it’s easy to say the right words to make a woman feel more comfortable; to portray yourself as open and honest. Often, it’s a vulnerability that is hollow at best.
The result of the honesty approach is always pretty much the same: thanks so much for being so honest, but I’m not interested.
It’s tough to be so upfront, especially when you know that it’s going to stifle your chances of getting your desires met.
It’s tough, and it’s not tough.
The consequences are tough, but I find the actual sharing of my truth isn’t so bad.
I find that with women who have a lesser need for mental and emotional connection prior to a physical connection usually jump to the physical pretty quickly.
It’s an easy way to dissipate that uncomfortable tension that is created when two people share both chemistry and a personal desire.
But that damn tension!
I just want it to go away as quickly as possible.
It challenges my ability to not only delay my gratification, but to increase it. The problem is when both myself and a potential partner have little ability to control our own desires.
Perhaps, it’s like any addiction. An addiction shows us ourselves: where we are unable to control our desires–to our own detriment.
I don’t like that. I don’t like the idea that there might be an area of my life where I am–quite literally–out of control.
And, no matter what we’re dealing with, I think the first step is just to realize it; to speak it.
Which is also to admit it. When I can admit it to a potential partner, it takes some of the edge off of the desire, and it leads, quite naturally, to delaying gratification.
Only by going through a process of owning where I am out of control–i.e., controlled by my desires–can I get to the other side of my addiction and find peace.
It’s uncomfortable as all hell. Writing and sharing this on a public forum is very uncomfortable. And, yet, it is my access to freedom.